Being Over 40 Years Old At Thanksgiving

It’s a day before Thanksgiving as I sit watching my 5th hour of the CSI Marathon and wonder how I’ve gotten so fat in less than a week. I think I might be a “sleep eater”. Is that a real disorder (or a clever rationalization)? It’s either “slumber snacking” or my metabolism has finally slowed down to that of a dead person’s. Granted, I’m 44 and haven’t been working out 3 times a week, like I know I should, but WTF?


I happened upon a newly formed, spare tire while sitting in the audience of an alcohol counseling class for a family member. I was horrified more by my own “rolls” than I was the graphic, drunk tales. As I touched my middle, I was moved to tears. How did this happen?




I admit that I’m guilty of doing the emotional eating/reward-yourself-with-tasty-treats-simply-for-being-alive snacking at night, but does that manifest in a giant ass? Apparently, it does.




Has it finally come down to me eating salads, protein and fruit not only during the day, but before bedtime, too? I’m not sure life is worth living if I have to munch on apples and celery in my “jammers” on the couch every night watching my “stories”.


I guess I’d better get bigger jeans.



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Ballet Flats

Now I’m no expert on fashion, but there’s one thing that I do know, and that’s what looks good and what looks like shit.

Ballet Flat

You should wear ballet flats if you’re A) a ballerina B) a tween C) you’re eff’ing long-legged and skinny. If you’re under 5’6 and thick-thighed, (like myself, during the winter months) you should NEVER wear the round, snub-nosed ballet flat! It cuts off your leg like at the ankle like a hobbled, amputated stump.



There’s nothing worse that emulating a dumpy, southern housewife with the ass widening, mom jeans, bad perm, thin lips and white Ked sneaker. At least the tennis shoe adds a bit of a leg extender. With the ballet slipper, your hacked-off legs accentuate the wide load you’re carrying around above it.

This Plus

This

equals...

This!

If you insist on working the skinny-legged jean and you’ve got a booty like a rap video hoochie (e.g. baby got back, junk in the trunk, caked-up), do yourself a favor and add a substantial boot or elongating shoe to the look.

Silence & Noise Twig Jean
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/index.jsp

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Gym Attire?

Are you homeless and trying to break into the showers or are you here to work out???

Ladies…why the vagrant/hobo/transient look when you go to your local gym?

No offense to street people (I give change to most of the women that ask me), but why do you purposefully look hideous when you exercise? It’s not a crime to put a little concealer, mascara and gloss on before engaging in physical activity where others have to see you...like me!




I’m sure being raised by a gorgeous, Southern Belle mother who’s been wearing false eyelashes since ’65 has influenced me. “Oh honey, you need more lipstick!” Becky Jo would squeal. I was taught from an early age to never be seen in public “without your face on”. I don’t mean the kabuki or drag queen look, but just a hint of color and a reminder that you have features.



And one more thing...a sloppy, old pit-stained shirt and pajama pants doesn't count as fitness attire. If I wanted to see you with that just-woken-up-haven't-brushed-your-teeth-or-bathed look, I would've come to your house at 6 am.


Now here's the pretty, day makeup (below) that makes sense for your daily gym regimen (and doesn't make me wanna gouge out my own eyes with a 2 pound dumbbell).

And here's the perfect outfit...

Hope to see you in the sauna!

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www.timebanditswatches.com

The Original Sweatband Watch!